For
any thinking, caring, concerned individual, we should all be interested in the
welfare of marriage and family. Famously called ‘the building bloc of society,’
when marriage and family prosper, everyone prospers, including those unmarried
and never-married. The reason is that marriage and family provide stability,
nurture, identity, and training for present and future citizens, who go on to
make a contribution to society. When marriage fails, it is not just a tragedy
for the couple and their children, but we all have to carry the can with
increased welfare payments, court costs, societal dysfunctionality, higher
crime, and more.
Recently
I received some sad news from a long-time acquaintance: their 3 year marriage
is over. This person is a solid, dedicated Christian, accomplished in their
career, a faithful member of their local church. Having been married before
conversion, they looked forward to having a ‘Christian spouse.’ Eventually,
they did marry a ‘Christian’ but within a short time it all went sour. Though
they waited years to remarry, once done, it was quickly over.
As
tragic as this is, it need not be terminal for the believer. We all make
mistakes and our faith in Christ can pull us through to victory, provided we
‘follow the instruction manual,’ namely the Bible.
Nevertheless,
it is worth asking the question:
How can any decent, mature, thinking person, especially of faith, get it
so wrong while looking for Mr. or Miss Right?
More positively, when it comes to finding a spouse, how can we increase
the chances of ‘getting it right?’
In
this blog, Part 01, we would look at the pitfalls.
Our
world today makes it easier to ‘get it wrong.’ Here’s why.
1. A corrupt,
sex-saturated culture: Secular humanism has done an effective job of detaching
western society from its moral Judeo-Christian foundations. Add to this a 50
year old cultural civil war between the so-called progressives versus the
social conservatives. The sexual revolution, women’s liberation movement,
abortion on demand, rise in cohabitation, and postmodern relativism, means our
society has a distorted, devalued view of marriage and family. Unless you have
a strong spiritual walk, you will be adversely affected by the culture around
you.
2. False gods: Everybody worships
somebody - or something. Whenever that somebody is not Almighty God Himself, we
call such worship ‘idolatry.’ The Apostle Paul calls covetousness ‘idolatry’
(Colossians 3:5). Some of the modern idols include:
A) Materialism;
B) Narcissism (more
about this in a moment);
C) Statism (‘big
government’ that will ‘take care of you’ - socialism and progressivism are in
this category);
D) Selfism (the
religion and worship of self).
Let’s face it, in Australia, one of our biggest
idols is sport. When Sir Donald Bradman died, Cathy Freeman retired, Ben
Cousins pulled a hamstring, and/or the horses caught the equine flu, for some
it was Armageddon. We even have a public holiday to celebrate a horse race!
Yes, sport is good - just don’t worship it!
3. Opportunism: People who are perceived
as being monied and successful will be tempting targets for opportunists -
those who want to ride the financial and social coattails of that accomplished
person for their own selfish gain. The Book of Proverbs says, tongue-in-cheek,
that if you want many friends - then get rich (Proverbs 14:20)! However, when
the riches sprout wings and fly away (Proverbs 23:5), so will those friends. If
a person is showy about their assets, be careful of those who hang around.
4. Narcissism: This is about a
distorted, fanciful self-image which has little to do with reality. Narcissists
love to attract attention to themselves (hence, the posting of 500 ‘selfies’ on
social media), practice seduction and rejection, and have no problem lying,
intentionally or under their own deception, in order to prop up their desired
image. Indeed, the narcissist is adept at putting on the mask and speaking the
party-line for a considerable period of time. Some do it so well they would
earn an Oscar if they were in Hollywood. However, the facade will eventually
give way to reality. The big question: will it come down before you say ‘I do?’
You don’t want to marry an ‘image;’ you want to marry the real deal.
5. Pornography: This is the scourge
of our time. Once restricted to ‘dirty magazines’ in questionable bookshops,
the hardcopy version are now going out of business - simply because pornography
is freely available online. Let’s forget the notion that born is ‘what men do:’
porn addictively weakens when men should be strong; devalues women and sex when
men should be protective, and provides a slippery slope to more hard-core
imagery, when a man should be self-controlled. This author sadly remembers a
nice Christian man, married to a beautiful Christian woman, who discovered his
father’s pornographic magazines in the garage at a young age. He could not
shake the addiction. In time, his lust was no longer satisfied merely by
viewing the pornographic pictures. Ultimately, the stimuli caused him to seek a
‘3D version’ - he visited a prostitute. The bondage and shame were so great it
led this man to commit suicide. Make no mistake about: pornography is addictive
and dangerous. If you are hooked and can’t break the habit, seek help (hint:
fasting and prayer can do wonders in this area).
6. No fear of God: When there is no
concept of personal accountability towards God, people will do ‘whatever it
takes’ to get ‘want they want,’ including nabbing a rich spouse for
self-centred reasons. If we took the commands of Scripture seriously and
remember, as Romans 14:12 says, that everyone of us will have to give account
of themselves to God, then we would think twice before ‘telling a whopper,’
‘jumping into bed,’ or ‘moving in first.’
7. Ignoring Wise
Counsel: Proverbs 11:14 says it all: ‘Where no counsel is, the people fall:
but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.’ Don’t try to muddle
through on your own, hoping to ‘get it right.’ Seek wise counsel from
spiritual, mature people. And don’t overlook family, especially parents. Our
parents are in an optimal place to assess the suitability of a potential
spouse. This even applies if you are a Christian and your parents are not. If
your parents clearly love and care for you, then listen to their counsel. It
could save you a lifetime of grief.
Now
that we have a better idea of the pitfalls in finding a great spouse, Part 02,
which is available next month, we will give some practical advice. Stay tuned.
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